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08-Jul-2017 02:01

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I've got a small hankering for fashion, even if my build means that my clothes are more about masking my own inadequacies.

I like watches but wondered if there'd be enough of an audience there for me to talk about them incessantly.

I like reading, do DIY and perform comedy on the weekends, but none of those seemed like good enough causes either.

Not to mention that anything adult or too naughty would be flagged by Instagram's highly-prudish filtering.

For my next post, I liberally spray hashtags into the comments in the hope of garnering some love.

And, amazingly, it works -- with three people double tapping my shot of some books in quick succession.

In fact, if you were to sift through all of their words of wisdom, who knows, maybe you could write the definitive social media bible.

Now, I'm not the first schlubby journalist to attempt to break into the upper echelon of D-list web celebrity.

The key lesson is that fear is a great selling tool, and if used correctly, can get people to pay attention to your Instagram.

My ascent to the social media stratosphere won't be aided by anyone because I've been tasked with doing this the hard way.

The rules are pretty simple: Set up an Instagram account and use whatever (legitimate) means to push my following as high as possible.

Alas, it's not as simple as shoving your face on Instagram and waiting for the cash to roll in -- if you want to quaff champagne with the Jenners and Swifts, you'll need to put in plenty of effort.

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So is it possible for any old schmo, like myself, lacking any sort of talent but plenty of enthusiasm, armed with little more than a smartphone, a DSLR and Photoshop, to become Insta-famous?By the end of that day, six people (okay, five and myself) have liked the image, although no one felt motivated to click follow as a consequence.